This article is about Cubbage's comments. For the article about his in-comic appearance, go to Odessa Cubbage.
Odessa Cubbage
Cubbage says
Series Life with Lamarr
First appearance Hate Cuisine (Retroactively)
Breen's Afternoon Off (Originally)
Appearances Book One: The Headcrab King
Book Two: The Free Children's Commune
Book Three: Land Sakes
Book Four: The House of Longfigger
Book Five: El Headcrab Gigante

A narrator who gives his own opinion on the developments of the current comic, he frequently relates these comments to praising the monarchy and expressing his dislike of his wife.

He originally started at Episode 45, Breen's Afternoon Off. Later over a period of time comments were retroactively applied to episodes 1 to 44, some comments were also changed to reflect this and the change in format from Flash files to .jpg images. Comments are also to be added retroactively to episodes 141 to 146.


Book One: The Headcrab KingEdit

No. Title Cubbage says:
1 Hate Cuisine Welcome to Life with Lamarr, readers! I'm Colonel Cubbage - at your service - to assist you in your reading endeavours by imparting my insight and wisdom. So... what a lot of bally weather we've been having lately, what?
2 Window Pain I say! Calhoun booted that blighter through the window just as if he was me scoring for my school at rugger! Which I used to do rather a lot, as a matter of fact. Top hole!
3 Saucy Headcrab Did you spot me in this episode, readers? Right there selling tickets I was! You don't see me again - after that I'm inside getting a nice eyeful of dancing deb! Beats looking at that Roman Ruin my wife Elise calls a face anyday!!
4 Potty Time Poop jokes - and only four episodes in! By Jove, I do believe this could be some kind of webcomic record!
5 Expression That Antlion Guard was a big devil, eh? Pity Calhoun was such a girl he had to use that piece of plastic pipe - Cubbage would have dealt with it man-to-man with his bare fists! Queensbury rules! A left jab, a right hook, uppercut and down the blighter goes!
6 Kleiner's Scientific Method Typical egghead. Never to the fore when there's REAL work to be done! Work a man has to do with arms and sinew! Never did like those clever types much!
7 Death's a Beach Must have been a nasty experience down there, readers! Like sleeping with Elise. Nothing in common, you say? You try it then, what!
8 The Prodigal Corpse By Jove! Locked in a cellar all that time and when you get out your bally wife is hiding the hog with another man! Enough to send a chap clean orf his nut, what! Still never mind - everyone is going to live happily together now so that's turned out all right! Good show!
9 Barney Helps Out Great Scott! The cramped and difficult-to-pose-in apartment blown to smithereens? Who would have thought it! I suppose this means the comic strip is going out on the easy-to-pose-on road! Huzzahs!!
10 Enter Mossman I'm rather partial to a bit of melon myself. Served along with two massive jugs. Of ale!!
11 Far from the Last Temptation of Barney Oh no! Looks like our Barney is being led astray by a cartoon cliche! If only he wasn't so weak-willed - and if only Lamarr didn't so much look like she'd be absolutely delicious roasted, served with cous-cous and drizzled with a mushroom and sherry sauce!!
12 Lamarr in a Stew Barney's in a tight spot now! Those bally headcrabs are going to 'hand his butt to him', as our American cousins say. Of course they wouldn't say that if only they'd accepted British rule in the history days. They'd speak the Queen's blimmin' English, by Jove!!
13 The Headcrab King I say, the ppor chap got disintegrated! That's a bit of a blow - still, it could be worse. He could have had to put up with my old war wound. It aches something awful in wet weather, donchaknow!
14 Calhoun the Hors D'oeuvre What a magnificent brute! I say, that would look jolly good above my fireplace! As a member of the British Aristocracy, it is my sworn duty to kill as many animals as possible! Them's the bally rules!
15 Deus ex Headcrabima Hurrah! Saved at the last moment by Lamarr! Wait, what? How the bally hell did that happen? Where did that rope come from? Why on earth - what's that? Hang on - oh. My producer is telling me to put a jolly old sock in it. Better had, I suppose.
16 There can be only One This is what we want! A bit of derring-do, the clash of cold steel as two mighty warriors face each other off in a battle of honour! That's right, cully - honour with a 'U'! Because I speak the Queen's bloomin' English, by Jove!
17 Public Relations Isn't Miss Longfigger lovely? Oh, I know you people won't think so, all bloody youth of today and what-have-you, but I, for one, would hit that with two crowbars! Shame she loves that Breen chappie. Still, he has done wonders for imports.
18 The Unleashing of Mr. Nibbles Well - there goes the neighbourhood!
19 Edible Administrator He ate the Administrator! That's a bit off, treating the saviour of humanity like a bloody all-you-can-eat finger buffet! Poor show, that. Bloody poor show.
20 A Friendly Reunion Bally eggheads - I've never liked them. They get together and the next thing you know, the whole Earth's under the dominion of evil aliens from another dimension. That's what your book-learning does for you!
21 Magnusson's Flashback I had a flashback once, donchaknow - it took me back to my days in the RAF! Swooping low, machine guns a-blaze, then getting my muffins toasted by some French Floozy smellings of cheap cologne, ah yes! Spiffing! Oh wait - that wasn't a flashback, it was a fantasy. Blast!
22 Headcrab Regicide My word! The man was betrayed by his own headcrab that he'd raised and cared for by his own hand! That's offspring for you - take my daughter Ermintrude. Miserable little so-and-so she is! Me and her mother made every sacrifice, went without just to put shoes on her table and what does she do? Nothing but moan and complain that she isn't a girl, never has been and can we stop buying dresses for her. Ungrateful tart!
23 A Face on a Screen Saved by the flame-haired Mossman! I must admit, she's a fine filly - one that Cubbage would be all to eager to ride! I'd break her in like the red-haired mustang she - what's that dear? No dear, just dictating my comment for the comic. What? It IS a proper job! Well, I don't see you doing anything to help, all you bally do is hammer my credit card every month! Well why don't you then, you mop-headed strumpet! Go back to your bloody mother for all I care! I never - oh cripes, is this thing still on? [Click]
24 Book One Epilogue Nothing like a cheerful tune to lift the spirits! I always like a good song. One about pummeling foreigners or maybe about the Queen - those are my favourites. I wrote one myself once you know - in honour of our lovely Princess Di. Finished it the evening, 30th August 1997. Played it on a loop with speakers pointed out of my window all day, so everyone could hear it. It was called 'Tunnel of Love', and had lines about how I'd love to crush her. In my arms. The crowds outside heard it all right. Barely got away with my bloody life!

Book Two: The Free Children's CommuneEdit

No. Title Cubbage says:
25 In Which our Heroes meet Eli Ah, here we go with the next story! I hear this one has a plot and everything! Precious little Cubbage, though. Precious little. Well, bloody NONE actually!
26 Eli wants me for a Sunbeam See old Barney eyeing up the teen there, readers? I hear on his days orf he likes to dress as a brown Japanese bear sort of cove and hang around playgrounds! HAW HAW HAW! No, not really - can you imagine?
27 The Initiation What what! What! Isn't that an Order of the Stick reference? Well that's just out of order, by Jove! That's a dashed fine upstanding comic! You even get a little drawing here and there inbetween all the text if you're lucky! What?
28 Meet the Children Can't say I really approved of these new-fangled alternative lifestyles. I think a good traditional one where everyone knows there place and darkies do what you bally well tell them to is much more the ticket! By Jove, I do miss the Empire!
29 Someone's for the Chop Now I don't care what anyone says - that Mossman has got a damned fine profile by Jupiter! And that jumper - that holds promise of a few tightly-packed goodies, eh what!
30 Lucky Houndeye So Barney likes the special male interest magazines, eh? Not really my cup of tea. Much like geography. That's not my cup of tea, either. I was pretty much put off both of them when I fagged for Wilmot-Jones senior back in my Eton days. Too much of a good thing, by Jove!
31 The Doc Gets Leery What the blimmin' heck is a sacral chakra?
32 Dear Diary Rather old-fashioned writable media Alyx is using there - Cubbage's toaster can store a whole shelf of novels and all the Cubbage family photos on the topside of a small teacake!
33 The Iconoclasts Cubbage has always liked girls. Any colour, creed or species, they're all grist to my sexy mill! Oh, I could tell you some tales! But better not though - this is a family comic, what!
34 Day Tripper Good Lord! Maybe there's something to be said for these 'drugs' those revolting hippies like so much after all!
35 Intermission Now this is from the era when cartoons were cartoons! Just the kind of thing I used to watch in a cinema eating a choc-ice, after the nature film where Disney slaughtered lemming by the score and just before the main feature! The cinema filled with the sweet scent of cigarette smoke, major fire hazards all around - them was the days!
36 Barrier Protection Crumbs - that sounded like some kind of reference to a man's wedding tackle! And it had been such a nice, clean comic up to now as well. Better write to the Daily Mail I suppose!
37 The Set Up Cubbage enjoys the odd drinking competition too! Once drank a sumo wrestler under the table, dontchaknow! Some people say it was Gordon Freeman did that, but it wasn't - it was me!
38 Flawless Victory Oh, that is a shame. Still, couldn't really have the Irish chap actually win at something could we - would have broken the storytelling spell that you're all under right now, what!
39 The 'H' stands for 'High' My God! As the showgirls say when Cubbage hoves into view beneath the sheets, Oh My! Look at the size of that!
40 Eli's Persuasion Well, you can't blame Eli - I've always wanted to give that bloody parasite a good smacking myself, what what!
41 Short-term Memory Sauce Poor Combine Lad - I hate the first-thing-in-the-morning-after-a-massive-session feeling too, don't you chaps?
42 Quite a Mystery Ew - liver! Unless it's on a plate with onions, then Cubbage doesn't want to see it!
43 The Thief of Manhood Gosh - isn't Eli rough!
44 Far-Out Freeman Freeman! I gave him a rocket-launcher once, you know. Not that the blighter did anything with it!
45 Breen's Afternoon Off Hello Chums! I'm Odessa Cubbage, and from now on I'm going to co-ordinate our efforts to understand what on Earth is going on here. Well - here's a turnup for the jolly old books, what? Looks like Sunbeam had an existing relationship with Wally Breen! This doesn't look good, eh chaps? Poor show and all that!
Breen's Afternoon Off
Post retroactive comment addition
Oh now, that's not on - save some Vorts for the rest of us, Breen! I want one to clean me tennis shoes and scrub the tartar out of me dentures!
46 "Let me 'Ax' you something..." What ho! Looks like we have a traditional LWL weekend cliff-hanger on our hands, eh what? Bally Bank Holiday weekend for us Brits too, so next episode probably won't be 'till Tuesday! Bit of a blow, that - still, stiff upper lip, that's what I always say!
47 Come Fly with Kleiner Crumbs! The Combine are coming out in strength! Dash it all, I wish I were there right now! I'd give old Johnny Combine a swift taste of British Spunk! That's the ticket!
48 My God, an Evil Masterplan! Good Grief! Doesn't sound like any wang around is safe when Eli's on the jolly old warpath! Hmmm - not unlike my second wife. Anyhow, mum's the word - but I hear tell there's an Easter Egg in this episode. Here's a hint - click on a symbol of peace. What fun!
My God, an Evil Masterplan!
Post Flash to .jpg
Good Grief! Doesn't sound like any wang around is safe when Eli's on the jolly old warpath! Hmmm - not unlike my second wife.
49 Free Children to Battle Zounds - there's going to be a dust-up of some kind for sure! But which will prevail - love or bullets? I say, that would be a pretty good title for an Emo cartoon, what! Must suggest that one to my daughter, Ermintrude. Anyway, keep a weather-eye open for the next episode - it's going to be a bumper-size super 50th issue! Pip pip!
50 Love and Bullets Smell that? That's the smell of burning hippie. Don't breath in the smoke, or you'll get bally paranoid and start seeing Ghandi in your kitchen! Breen's a ruthless fella, eh what? Mind you, he has done marvels for imports and getting the unemployment rate down! Top hole!
51 Eli, away That Eli - what a savage. Abandoning a maiden that way! Typical pinko! If I had my way, I'd bloody birch the bally lot of them! That'd learn them a thing or two, what what!
52 A Toast to the Combine Those waffles hit the old Combine pretty hard, eh what! Good show - only language Johnnies like that understand. What they need is a good hard stint of national service to sort them out! No, wait a minute... they're already getting that aren't they?
53 Bombdemnation Lumme!
54 Doctor Exposition Gosh - I'm glad all that got cleared up. Looks like the jolly old Combine are just about ready to start a beach party, what!
55 Clouds Great Scott! While still under the influence of recreational drugs, looks like Wally Breen's going to maybe get his end away? Hope he has better luck than me. I don't mind my wife lying back and thinking about good old England - I do the same, after all - but her sub-dom lesbian fetish parties are a little near the knuckle. And I never get invited. Pretty poor show all round!
56 Doctor Breen, he went a-courting I remember that day well - I was watcing the telly, minding me own business when I was assailed by this - this filth! By George, it's getting to something when you can't even watch TV without have rampant male organs rammed down your throat! Not my idea of fun at all!
57 Love is all around me Now see here! This is - dash it all!
58 Now Departing By Jove - I do love a happy ending! Dashed shame we didn't get one. Eli didn't, anyway. Still, that's what comes of embracing Socialism! Damned Pinkos! Carry the pox, you know! Gas 'em all, that's what I say! Pip pip!
59 Headcrab Lost Chris who? Who the devil's that? And why do I have to sit down here in this bally box all day? I get very little screen time in this blasted comic - I fought in the war you know! I'd like to see more people DEMANDING MORE CUBBAGE! Not much to ask. Then maybe my wife would get off my back with all that go-and-get-a-job nonsense, what!
60 Over 9,000! Fiori WHO? What is this, some kind of bally boys brigade? And, despite the will of the people, still no extra CUBBAGE! Make your voice heard! DEMAND MORE CUBBAGE! Toodle-Pip!

Book Three: Land SakesEdit

No. Title Cubbage says:
61 Deserted Finally, a bit-part! That's the stuff to give the boys, eh what? I always get those parts - the glazier, the ticket-seller. Never any really juicy roles. I'm not allowed to encourage you all to demand more Cubbage - that was part of the contract for me getting this crumby train-driver part in this comic - but somehow I know all you Cubbage-fans out there will still make your voices heard! United we stand, and all that rot!
62 Barney Really Digs It Aha! Yes indeed, a spot of honest toil never did harm to any Irishman I ever heard of! Why stop there? National Service! That'd straighten him out in two shakes!
63 Isaac Kleiner - Man of the Land? I say - that Kleiner's a sly dog, eh? But then that's hardly a surprise, seeing as he has that Jerry surname, what! Bad eggs! The whole lot of them!
64 You Ain't Nothing But A Houndeye Not really a surprise - your Houndeye is bred for hunting! Leaping over hedge and vale, with a caloo-calay on the horns behind it! The terrified fox sprinting vainly for its life, catch the blighter, rip it to shreds, smear the blood all over the children and then back to the pub for a quick snifter! Now that's what I call good clean fun!
65 Barney Demonstrates His Bottle That Calhoun - what a dashing fellow he is! Who bally well cares that he smells like the inside of a beer keg and collects pornographic material! Not I!
66 Bitter Supper What a turn of events! Dashed unusual, a woman popping up in a dynamic between two male friends and causing a spot of bother. Bit of a stretch for the imagination that - I mean, I'm all for fantasy in webcomics as much as the next man but these scripts are getting awfully far-fetched. Still, ours not to reason why, eh?
67 Appropriate Attire Barney ought to be grateful - at least he's not naked, like my family back when I was a lad. Well, come to think of it the rest of the family DID have clothes - and I suppose I was naked by choice. And I wasn't really that much of a lad, being 38 at the time. Lucky to just get that restraining order I suppose - so maybe I ought to be grateful too, eh what!
68 Goodbye, Fred the Beard Well, she's a smoking little pistol, isn't she readers? By Jove, wish I had a PA like Miss Longfigger! Or any kind of PA at all, actually. And an office. Maybe a desk. Still, I do have a spinny chair - so that's a start! Soon as mumsie pops off and the inheritance comes through I can afford to get it recovered - and then, my friends, the sky will be the limit! Tally-ho!
69 In which Breen dyes So that's the secret of youth - a Man Tan! Got to get me one of those, eh what! Combined with a Soul Patch and a convincing wig, you should see old Cubbage being the great womaniser once again! Because I was once before, you know. Once.
70 Mrs Land's Melons Meet a Sticky End Well, it could have been worse. It could have been Alternaria leaf blight. Or Fruit Blotch! Brrrr!
71 Kleiner's Truce Hurrah! All boys back together! Just like in the Scouts. In fact, in the Scouts it was rather difficult to prise them apart as I recall. I was very glad when I left that particular group and joined the Navy. Sadly, that wasn't the improvement I'd hoped for, but there you go - when there's no fillies around what's a fellow to do? Just my bad luck I was so damnably pretty I suppose!
72 Now You're Thinking with Portals! Ah - ingratitude is a harsh burden to bear! Like my wife for example - she's never happy. Always going on about the 3 hours a day I spend waxing the moustache for example! Doesn't she realises it's for her? They don't call my upper lip 'The Tickish Ladies Best Friend' for nothing, donchaknow!
73 Melon Theft By Jove - what a twist! I for one did not see that coming. Probably because I fell into a small coma a week ago due to the lack of updates lately. Still, back on track now eh what toodle pip tally ho and home for scones back in good old Blighty donchaknow!!
74 A Very Special Announcement Yummy! I eat those too, every day. Cheque now please?
75 Fatal Attraction Ah, Doctor Breen - I know how it is. I'm a bit of a babe magnet myself donchaknow! Only the other day a young lady gave me a ringing slap on the face for a small compliment I made her. Clearly she was hot for me!
76 How to Ditch an Irishman Dashed shame to see poor old Barney in dire straits - but then again, considering the amount of beer he owes me maybe I oughta save my bally sympathy, what!
77 Shine On, Barney For heaven's sake? More plot? I'll tell you what this comic needs, by Jove! Gags! And cool characters - you know what? I'm going to bally well do it myself! There! View THIS for a REAL quality comic!!

After Episode 74 the site began a makeover, Co stated that Cubbage would be removed however later retracted that and said that the plan was for a Vortigaunt to take his place but Cubbage wouldn't go without a fight. However after Episode 77 following "the insertion of an illegal cartoon", he was apparently replaced by a Vortigaunt named "This One".

However after 3 strips and much complaining about the pay by This One, Cubbage was reinstated after is was discovered he was suggesting certain things to Co McPhee in Vortigese.

No. Title Cubbage says:
81 Go Figure, Miss Longfigger What ho, all! Glad to be back, what! I owe it all to whoever thought to look up what that Vort was saying in yesterday's comment with an English/Vort dictionary. Turns out he was suggesting that our beloved Mr. Fiori-McPhee do something if not actually impossible at the very least jolly uncomfortable. Damned Vorts, eh? Bad eggs - the whole lot of them!
82 Something for the Weekend, Sir? Oh, typical! Every blighter gets some action except Cubbage! I don't know what this comic is coming to - wouldn't surprise me if next thing you know we saw Roderick getting it on with Billy Bullsquid. I wouldn't mind so much if Calhoun was actually a gentleman, but he's IRISH dash it all!
83 In Flagrante Delicto Looks like Calhoun got caught with his pants down! Jolly well right - why should I be the only one? I can't do anything without my wife Elise nagging at me... 'Odessa, where did this underwear come from?' 'Odessa, you can't hide in our garden naked, stop it' - she sounds just like my bally parole officer!
84 Walkabout Look at that - a disgrace, a man just walking away from his problems like that! You won't see old Cubbage doing that in a hurry, by Jove no! When Cubbage has a problem he looks her squarely in her one good eye and says 'Elise, for the last time, get off my bloody back!'
85 This is the Scientist we're looking for Egad, those two are a rotten pair! Especially Roderick! In the moral sense I mean. Although the physical sense is applicable too, by Jove!
86 Mother Knows Best Crumbs! There's no possible way for our friends to get out of this jam! Well, that's another short-lived webcomic I suppose - it was nice while it lasted. Bye everyone! Toodle-pip and all that kind of rot!
87 Is this the End of Lamarr? Hurrah! Saved by a plot device at the last moment. I say, I was a little bit worried there for a second, weren't you readers? God forbid anything should happen to our so-called Stars with their complimentary booze, groupies and dressing rooms. That would be bally awful.
88 Barney, he do Mighty Magick I say - magick? With a K? That's not very Christian, is it? Pretty sure the Bible has a strong word or two to say about such immoral things as raising the dead! Except when Jesus did it, but that's because he's Jesus dontchaknow! He can do what he blimmin' well likes!
89 Doctor Breen has a Falling Out I can't but feel partly responsible for this tragedy. Only partly, though - it was that bloody Vort who insisted on ordering that panini in Starbucks at lunchtime, then they had to cook the bloody thing - put our whole schedule out.
90 A New Way of Being Well, there you go. Calhoun to be a married man, eh? Well I am too - and I don't bally well see why anyone else should get away with it!
91 Book Three Epilogue Strike me Pink! Earl certainly is a terror when roused. As for me, so am I! I once wrestled a Strider to the ground with my bare hands, dontchaknow! No witnesses more's the pity,, it was one of those spur-of-the-moment things. I'll do it again someday, when these blasted piles go back up again. You wait and see!
92 Requiem for a Headcrab Bally sad story, that. Headcrabs have souls too you know. True, it's normally a soul they've stolen from another sentient being by leaping onto its head and sucking the brain right out of it, but dammit they've got souls nevertheless, by jove!
93 Misunderstood It's like I've always said - one can never have too much Cubbage, what! I'm available for parties and Bar Mitzvahs - absolutely no charge. Just send me an invitation. Please? I do a spiffing impersonation of Terry-Thomas! Please?
94 A Holiday Special Best not to eyeball that chap's nose, eh what! Bit of a rum go, though - it sort of draws the eye if you know what I mean. A bit like a plump young girl going uphill on a bicycle. Oh my word, yes!
95 Life Before Lamarr Falling in love with a picture! How foolish! I've never liked these blasted eggheads, with their silly 'science'! Cubbage is a man of deeds, not words! A man of ACTION! Not one to fall for women that don't exist. Except for that Lara Croft of course - now there's a deb a man can be proud of! Dashed fine figure of a girl, by Jove!
96 How Roderick Came to Be: Part One Aha! 'The Die is Cast', indeed! I used to enjoy my Latin lessons at the good old school. Our teacher, Mr Bastard, he was extremely fond of using the long thin cane on one's breeches. Made me the man I am today, what!
97 How Roderick Came to Be: Part Two What a bally cad!
98 How Roderick Came to Be: Part Three Devil take it, the man simply isn't a gentleman!!
99 How Roderick Came to Be: Part Four I've no sympathy - none whatsoever! Bravo that Pigeon, that's what I say!
100 How Roderick Came to Be: Part Five By Jove - that was a bally cheerful tale wasn't it readers? I think I need a swift tot of Brandy and a rousing chorus from a Gilbert and Sullivan production after that!
101 Poetry Special - The Ballad of Melanie Land I don't know what they're teaching them in these schools nowadays!

Book Four: The House of LongfiggerEdit

No. Title Cubbage says:
102 Cremate & Cremating And so another fancy tale begins! I've a good feeling about this one... something tells me that we're going to be seeing much more Cubbage from hereonin! Make mine a small sherry and tally-ho for adventure!
103 Barney does a Bad Thing It's like I've always said - you just can't trust the Irish! Or Norweigians come to that. I had a Norweigian stop me in the street only yesterday with some cock-and-bull tale about hungry children and could I spare an English pound to help them. He had reconised credentials of a respectable charity, and I admit in this instance I did donate some money as it was for a jolly good cause. So that's not really the best story to illustrate how untrustworthy Norweigians are, now I come to look at it, but by Jove they're sneaky little devils in every other instance I could name!
104 Friends Reunited I told you there would be Cubbage! Things are looking up all round, what! Pity that damned Vort had to come and spoil my moment by accusing me of mugging into the camera, which I obviously bloody didn't. Bloody Vorts!
105 Longfigger Administration PSA #1 I had a dose of that in my wild youth, you know. Dashed unpleasant. Had to go and see Matron and everything.
106 Miss Longfigger's New Order show their teeth Fun fact, readers! I had a walk-on part in that girl-on-girlie movie the Metrocops are watching! I was the comic-relief postman. I got five shillings, lunch thrown in AND they let me stay and watch the rest of the film being made after my bit was finished. I love the movie business!
107 Longfigger Administration PSA #2 Miss Longfigger wants you to be a good citizen too! And I say - dontcha now feel bad for going back to Roger the moment you purchased G-Mod, killing him with a crowbar and using the physgun to shove him into the trashcan? By Jove, you thought you were the only person who'd ever done that didn'tcha, what!
108 Longfigger Administration PSA #3 Something of a low-blow, what! And only several years after everybody else. Anyway, that's enough PSA's for now, by Jove! Next time, back to our story! Three cheers and a snifter all round!
109 Judith Mossman meets the Internet Isn't it awful the way everything female gets instantly photo-chopped on that interweb thingamy? It's all the fault of whoever came up with that blasted Rule 34! Whose idea was that? Now all those poor teenage lads have to work, day and night, making sure that nothing escapes! It's a rum go and no mistake!
110 Vocational Guidance Counsellor See that? That's the kind of acting you can only learn on stage! I knew that performance I put in with the Little Woking Players would come in handy. I was Reverend Parris in The Crucible. I played it for laughs of course, ad libbing and coming on stage with a rubber nose that lit up when I pressed this button thingy. They never asked me to perform again actually, but it was a bally good experience!
111 Kleiner Lucks Out, Barney's Luck's Out I say! I used to enjoy making home-brew myself. Made it in the kitchen sink out of potatoes, sugar and Marmite. Extraordinary what you can learn in prison, when you're doing eighteen months for outraging public decency. I also know how to make a deadly blade out of clingfilm and five handy phrases guaranteed to prevent you getting buggered in the shower. I should write one of those bally self-help books, what!
112 Free Booze Damn! I know the feeling... whenever Elise offers some 'special time' - and God knows that doesn't come around very often - I'd be awfully lost without a tot of Brandy first! Rather a good tot... up until the point I can no longer see nor care. Then I'm ready for action!
113 Fangful Friends Good job Alyx did with the Snazaroo paints, eh? Of course, that's what my wife Elise looks like BEFORE she puts make up on. Ha ha! Oh, that's a good 'un! Anytime Bernard Manning needs some new material, Cubbage is ready and willing! What's that? He's dead, you say? Oh. Well he must certainly need some new material by NOW then, by Jove!
114 Longfigger Administration PSA #4 Bit of a bad show, eh? Unlike all of you readers - he didn't see it coming!
115 Naughty Vorti Now you all jolly well listen to me! Do NOT click that image! It's the kind of filth that's bringing our great country to its knees! I repeat: DO NOT VIEW THIS TRASH! Right - well. That was a near thing! Glad you saw sense, what! Bloody Vorts!
116 The God-Awful Truth It just goes to show - you can take the Irishman out of the drink, but you just can't take the drink out of the Irishman. Well, you CAN, but he cries like a bally girl!
117 It's a Black Hole, Son Speaking for myself, I've never understood these youngun's obession with this 'pop' music. Perry Como! Now there's a crooner worth hearing! Got all his records - in fact, I even lost my virginity to Perry Como! Er - I don't mean I was listening to music, I actually DID lose my virginity to Perry Como. I was an even bigger fan back then, and I must admit he was the pefect gentleman. Still, moving on, eh what!
118 Poor Miss Longfigger's Breaking Heart By Jove! That was some plot going on there, did you see that? Spiffing! But don't worry if the sight of tears filling in Miss Longfigger's beautiful eyes made you feel sad too readers, because the next update is our bally Christmas Special, 'A Very Barney Christmas'! There will be joy, laughter and somebody's nuts are sure to get roasted! Tune in on Christmas Eve and keep your upper lips stiff 'till then!
119 A Very Barney Christmas That was a good old Christmas yarn, wasn't it readers? And it only took until 3:27AM to finish it! Well, we're all off for the season now, to drink Martini and eat twice our own body-weight in nuts, but never fear - Life with Lamarr will resume jolly early on in the New Year! So enjoy yourselves 'till then and remember: Cubbage is always available if you have any spare places going in any parties you happen to be having. Just saying, what! Merry bally Christmas!
120 Be thee gone, thou Demon Gin Those coves look like they mean business, by Jove! Especially the chap with the conk. Wouldn't be surprised if he had a lick of Johnny Frenchman in him, with a nose like that. Or Italian, maybe? Not sure - dashed Foreigners - never can tell them apart!
121 A Party in the Dark Oh no - not those fellows! You can't even torture a kitty-cat and put it on YouTube without them bring a righteous retribution down upon your bally head! Unless it's people you're torturing and not kitties of course - then they just bally laugh!
122 Longfigger Administration PSA #5 Good show! Cubbage approves when the Debs show they can up tools and, in times of war, knuckle down and do their bloody fair share too, what! As long as it stops when the war does of course... I mean, I hate it when they get all uppity afterwards. After all, a woman's place is where her man last bally put her, am I right? What ho!
123 Kleiner's Experiments go to Pot By Jove! That's what we here at LWL call a 'Junction' episode - where the story gives way to oncoming traffic for a bit, so we can set the scene for the next escapades. But I say! That damned egghead, tinkering with Mother Nature again! That's not so bad I suppose, if only he hadn't tinkered with MY mother as well. Pretty poor show all round!
124 Saturday's Child Guffaw! That was funny, wasn't it readers? The way Barney was wearing that big wig and - wait... what? There was a save failure? Episodes were swapped you say?? Oh, well thanks for bally telling me! Nobody keeps Cubbage in the bloody loop, do they! I just made myself look a right flippin' twit right in front of at least half-a-dozen people! Bloody hell!
125 We've got some bad news about the pool I say! So that's what the children get up to these days... looks like a lot of good, clean, harmless fun! Except for the cam whores I suppose, but dash it all, even cam whores need somewhere to let their bally hair down!
126 Barney's Prickly Pal Lumme! You can't have decorative home ornamental plants going around cussing and turning the air blue! It's a bloody disgrace- oh, I say. Pardon my French, what!
127 Miss Longfigger comes to visit Bit nippy out today, isn't it readers! Bally weather! Anyway, I wonder what Miss Longfigger has in store for Kleiner? It'll bode ill for someone, no doubt - science never solves anything! Nevah! The only way to solve problems in Cubbage's experience is to give 'em a sock to the jaw or take 'em in your arms and kiss them! Depends whether it's a deb or a chap you're dealing with of course. Only the sock on the jaw applies to chaps! Ladies can get one or the other, depending on their transgression of course. Works for me!
128 There's Nothing that Science Can't Do, Nothing! So that's it! By Jove, they better not let that Irish chappie know what the egghead is up to, what! I daresay the thought of Guinness being chemically castrated as it were sends shivers down every Celtic spine! If they have spines that is - probably not, what! Exoskeletons is more like it! Not like a thoroughbred Englishman! Oh, Wales, Scotland, Ireland and all that shower might be attached to England, but they're all still bloody foreigners as far as Cubbage is concerned!
129 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #1 Now that's a comic! Just look at that acting! Top hole! And you know what else, Readers? Life with Lamarr is now one year old... by Jove! Doesn't time fly?
130 Custom Reader Comics Week! This can't possibly end well, dash it all!
Custom Reader Comics Week!
After the "Cubbage & This One Show" Introduction was added to the page.
Ah! Now THAT'S what I call entertainment! More Cubbage please! And maybe a little less of the Vort, by Jove!
131 Cinema Lamarr Presents #1 What - what the bloody hell was THAT? Was it art or something? Lumme, I don't know what the world's coming to I really don't. Poor show all round. Bloody poor show!
132 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #2 It was even worse when we decided it had better go and the dolt cut himself shaving. I won't go into details, by Jove!
133 Go Go Mossman Headcrab Ah, that takes me back to my childhood! Or was it somebody elses? Dashed hard to remember... I do remember at school they used to call me The 'Cubbage Patch Kid' and push me into puddles. Almost bally drown me, and then the teacher would give me a sound whippin' for having muddy shorts. Good times!
134 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #3 Trouble is, that apple wasn't worth eating after old Mr. Combine caught up with us and did with it - well... what he did with it. Ooyah!
135 The Wrath of the Nasal Great Scott - a nut-shot! That's right against the Queensbury rules you know, a kick to the crutch. Unless it's a woman you're boxing with of course - then you can just have at it!!
136 Stays Crunchy Pigeon mission? I thought we didn't have the budget for no stinking pigeon mission! Oh, hold on - that was Vince Desi, by Jove!
137 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #4 See that third panel? Apologies due to David C. Lovelace for pinching his trademark INTEGER/UNITS OF TIME/LATER gag, I reckon, what! Still, at least it was one less picture to pose and we all got to go home early. Hurrah! Pay got docked the hours, though. But what can you do? Turn into a bally Socialist and join a union? I should cocoa!
138 Religious Debate Good Lord, readers! Who could that bandaged-up Cove possibly be! Only the scantiest of clues were provided. By the way, I saw that episode of Topless Round Table myself - I didn't care for it much. At the end of it, neither of the girls had brought the other round to their way of thinking. It's always the same with the religious debates, I prefer it when they get onto morality issues like euthanasia or what-not. Still, Fran did have on her nicest bit of underwear in that episode, so not all was lost.
139 Night-time Naughtiness Ninja Mossman? Now THAT'S the kind of thing that makes it all worthwhile! Bloody good show!
140 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #5 Comment? You think I want to TALK about it? Bloody well bugger orf!
Due to a site update there were no comments between 140 and 147. Cubbage's comments are planned to be added onto these later.
147 Get Out of Jail (Not Free) What ho, readers! Looks like Mel wants a word with that shifty Irish ne'er-do-well! Well, he did rather love her and leave her - no chivalry, what! Cubbage is more like Sir Lancelot! You know - that knight fella who banged the Queen the second Arthur's back was turned. Top hole! And the lower holes as well, I understand!
148 Saturday Fortress #1 Another weekend brightener for you readers - to go with my wonderful Sunday Comix! If you chaps like it, we'll keep it - and just to make a complete mockery of the name, we're putting out the first one while it's still Friday by Jove!
149 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #8 See what I have to put up with, readers? And by the time the blighter came clean and told me those bloody eggs had come from a Rhode Island Red and 'M'tu-dash ho'ow" was actually a traditional Vortish salad dressing I'd already eaten the lot and stuck a feather down my throat about six times. Bloody Vorts!!
150 Barney in a Tight Spot Good Lord! Well, that what happens when you let a woman get on top of you. Well - it's ONE of the things that can happen when you let a woman get on top of you. What!
151 Requiem for an Administrator Now before anyone gets too excited this episode is in memory of the fine actor Robert Culp and is not canon with our Lamarr stories! Just pointing that out, donchaknow! As a mark of respect the managment also says no Saturday Fortress or Sunday Cubbage this weekend. I put it down to cost-cutting measures myself!
152 Fascinating Developments Well now - that's what I call an interesting plot development, what!
153 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #9 I had a lock put on my display cabinet after that little episode - don't you bally worry!
154 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #10 I say! Looks like jolly old Cubbage is holding the fort while those so-called 'stars' of this comic are 'resting', what! Well I happen to have heard from a little bird that the Irish one is in some kind of drying-out clinic and the four-eyed Kraut is undergoing therapy for sexual addiction! Typical! The only one out of the whole shower worth a hoot is that Lamarr filly. Damn fine figure of a headcrab!
155 Peter & the Wolf Well I never! Looks like Peter won't be troubled by evil pest fowl again. Or anything else, come to that! Still, at least he went down in the line of duty! I, Cubbage, also wish to die during me duty - provided I'm doing duty to that Lady Gaga that is! What what! What ho! I say, one of our readers slightly knows her you know. The more you know, what!
Dippy Luck What's this? Oh no - no, no! I'm contracted to make ONE comment, and that's the way it's going to bally stay unless I see more money! By Jove!
159 The Simple Joys of Being a Bullsquid That's the way to treat a woman! Cubbage wrote the book on keeping a wife content, you know. They're like animals - they have to be driven! Otherwise you end up with one taking over and ruling the roost and then throwing away my favourite ties. Bloody wimmin!
160 St. George's Day Card Yes, well - quite!
161 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #11 That's the stuff - good clean fun! Snip snip, what ho!
162 Melon Split Well, dash it! Sex gets just about everywhere doesn't it? Well - maybe not quite everywhere. Never seems to enter Elise's head for a start!
163 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #12 Luckily, it was covered by me Home Insurance! Bit of a lucky break, that - Acts of God were null and void, but Acts of a Mentally Challenged Alien Slave were A-OK!
164 The Plummeting of Mr. Peter Oh well, that's it for sure! He's DEFINITELY dead this time, what! After all, we can't have characters rising from the dead left, right and bloody center can we! This isn't bloody Dragonball Z you know!
165 Gravity's calling, I've got some Falling to Do Looks like that chappie has accepted his fate, what? Wouldn't catch Cubbage doing that - not old Cubbage, full of fizz and ginger! And even if I did accept the inevitable, I'd do it in the name of the Queen! And THAT, my friends, is what separates Cubbage from all you foreign Johnnies! What! What what!
166 Antlions, Stockings, Lasers and Mossman Goodness me! That's a HUGE pair of er, hm. What the deuce do you call those things, bouncing around and getting in the way? ANTLIONS! Yes, quite a big, striking pair of Antlions there! Nice knockers on Longfigger as well, what!
167 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #13 It got worse after that. After the film, This One invited That One to join us at the after-flicks nosh. That One got into some kind of argument with his pie and wound up battling strange invisible things all over the dessert trolly. Hardly knew where to put myself!
168 Hope comes in Boxes Humph! You wouldn't find old Cubbage at a loss when faced with a rare, wild animal with a gun in his hand, what! I'd shoot the blighter and have it stuffed and mounted before you could say Jack Robinson! By the way, I have definite proof that these newspaper funnies they pay me to comment on are worked out beforehand on a scrappy little notepad. See for yourself, what!
169 Grand Theft Accrington Stanley What the - so this is why no Cubbage this week? To make space for these hoodlums? The Daily Mail is right! They bally well DO come over here and take our bloody jobs!
170 Future Tense Bloody Vorts - think they know it all! I don't honestly know why I keep one around... they make a rubbish batman, you know! I asked This One to clean my golf equipment, club and balls. The idiot washed my packet of tees, took the bus down to St James's Square and redecorated the East India Club and it got worse after that!
171 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #14 Kids of today - shocking, that's what I call it!
172 V for Vendetta By JOVE! I can't wait to find out who this mysterious stranger is, readers! The suspense is putting undue strain on the old surgical truss, don'tchaknow!
173 Kleiner's Solution That's the stuff to give the troops, what! Quite right! Nothing wrong with a nice drop of port! A Gimlet or two, a flagon of good Brandy, a few pink Gins with plenty of bitters! Our dad used to start the day with a tot of Rum! Then he slapped mother. Everyone happy, and everyone in their place! By the way, this plot development looks mildly familiar - but mum's the word, eh!
174 Baste me in Sherry Gadzooks, I say and Gadzooks again! Word is that the mystery man finally reveals his identity next episode! I can barely take the suspense - oh, dash it all. I've eaten my hat again. Better get that blasted Vort to start knitting me another one!
175 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #15 Dashed yummy stuff! Just like mother used to make!
176 Unmasked! GOOD LORD! ASTOUNDING! WHAT A TWIST! WHAT - Oh, lor'! Who am I trying to kid? Why, one would have to be some kind of simpleton to not know that - oh wait a mo - that McPhee fella hasn't signed my cheque yet! *Ahem* GREAT SCOTT! INCREDIBLE! You don't get revelations like THAT on CTRL+ALT-DEL! Although that miscarriage thing kind of tugged the old heart-strings, what!
177 Alyx has a Notion What ho! Sorry I'm a bit late - got distracted by the cricket. So, what's all this then? A glimpse into Alyx's bood-wah? I say, that's very tasteful. Reminds me of my bedroom when I was a nipper! My mother had rather banked on me being a girl you see, and wasn't prepared to redecorate just because I wasn't. She did finally cave in and replace it with Thomas the Tank Engine wallpaper, but sadly I was 17 by then. Mothers, eh?
178 Cubbage & This One Sunday Comix #16 Haw Haw! Of COURSE it's all good clean fun! We'd never actually DO something like this. Would we, eh?
After Cubbage forgot to add a comment to Episode 179, Cubbage was fired for repeatedly being late, as in Episode 177. As such he was replaced by his French cousin, Fromage. This didn't last long as Cubbage was able to threaten Co into giving him his job back.
180 The Legacy of Mister Nosedive French! A bloody Frenchman! Anyway chums, back again what! Yes, amazing what you can do when you start throwing around phrases like 'unfair dismissal', 'see you in court' and 'didn't I see you walking out of that massage parlour in Hemel Hempstead the other day?'. Haw haw! So, let's make a comment about this comic then! Oh, out of space. Devil take it!
181 The Mossman Files (part 1) Typical! Get a group of red-blooded men, throw in a deb - disaster! Still, having said that, Cubbage wouldn't mind a piece of Mossman himself. Not like Yoko. No thanks, what! What was Lennon thinking, that's what I want to know! Ew!
182 The Mossman Files (part 2) I knew a woman like Mossman, once. Knew her more than a few times in fact, eh what! HAW HAW HAW!
183 The Mossman Files (part 3) Great Scott! What a terrifying transformation! You'd hardly recognise the fellow, what!
184 Cinema Lamarr Presents #2 Oh, I do love a rousing tune! Let's hope they do Elgar next! RRROM POM POM PIM PIM POM!
185 The Mossman Files (part 4) Aha! Well, jolly glad that's all sorted! Now - who's for a small sherry?
186 The Mossman Files (part 5) Babies. Adorably hideous, aren't they what!
187 The Mossman Files (part 6) I say! I'd give Mossman a job any day! Starting right HERE! HAW HAW! Oh, you can't see where I'm pointing. Dash it!
189 Time to Go Great Scott readers - why the shame? If it turned out Mossman was my father, I'd still boof her! What!
195 Book Four Epilogue Well? She already bally told you all, in Half Life 2: Episode One, so you don't have to act all surprised about it! What's that? You thought she was just giving that guy the burn? Ha! Trust it to Cubbage to sire a spitfire, what!

Book Five: El Headcrab GiganteEdit

No. Title Cubbage says:
196 The Word on the Vorts Off we go with another remarkable tale! I say, chums, isn't it so much a better comic now we've gotten rid of that blasted headcrab! Can't stand the things - they eat an awful lot of chickens, donchaknow!
197 Denied! Don't think too harshly of Doctor Kleiner... not until you've tried living with one of those bally Vorts! I swear they get things wrong on purpose! Why, just the other day my Vort batman deliberately forgot to call me "Master" when he finished his sentence! He won't do that again in a hurry, not after the thrashing I gave him, what!
198 Doctor Breen gets a new P.A. Take a stand against racism! There's no need to treat people of other races as inferior, to do all our dirty work - not now we have the Vorts to do it for us, what! I say, there! You Vort! Toast this crumpet immediately!!
199 Mystical Vort Sense Vorts - turning against us! Ha ha! Can you imagine such an unlikely thing? We Empire Builders know how to quell that kind of thing anyway... rebels don't spill much British blood when theirs is already soaking into foreign soil, what! God save the bloomin' Queen!
200 Go West, young Calhoun! Typical Irish - offer them a spot of work and they go all lily-livered on you! Cubbage is the kind of man who earns his bread with the strength in his back and the sweat of his brow! And I must admit, one of my kidneys and six pints of blood that time I was a bit hard-up.
201 The Old Switcheroo Oh-ho! And if you're still not certain if that Calhoun is a nancy or not, just you count how many times his eyes were fixed on that deb's corking cleavage! Answer: None, sir! None! By Jove!
202 Everybody hates Rochelle MMmmm.... what? What what? Comment? Oh, I beg your pardon! I was so taken with the gorgeousness of that fine deb Zoey I forgot to think of one, by Jove! Well, I could... what's that? Other female? But all the other characters are men, aren't they? Let me just check... yes, that's right. All fellas. And none of them any oil painting by Jove!
203 Loony I was invited to one of these balloon parties once! Didn't turn out to be quite what I expected, I can tell you... I practised all weekend so I could whip up a poodle from one of those long bendy ones. Did they care? No sir! All they wanted to do was have it orf in the middle of all these bally balloons... well, I was game of course, was giving this nice fat girl the works, balloons everywhere, rubbing against them... trouble was I built up such a huge static charge I electrocuted her. Stung a bit as well, by Thunder!
204 Christmas Time Hurumph! Chaps like me don't celebrate this Christmas nonsense... we celebrate Sophisticus! All you need is a monocle and a 'tache, dont'cha know! No women allowed! Jolly good clean fun, what! HAW HAW! MERRY SOPHISTICUS!
205 Vortal Amplification, the Process and Results Ooer - that's going to make a bit of a mess and no mistake! They'll have to get their bally Vort scrubbing down all that Vort that's all over - oh. By Jove! Life gets a bit complicated when your batman asplodes, what!
206 It's all in the Genes Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! That Calhoun's a woofter? Well that's never bally been mentioned before! Pulling stuff out of the blue like that - who does this McPhee fella think he is? George Lucas?
207 Something's Afoot I say! Can't really blame old Breen for that... a man's foot is his castle here in England dontchaknow!
208 Headcrabs oh Headcrabs, Alive, Alive-O That's the way to deal with any kind of homosexual encounter - just brush the blighter under the carpet! You think we would have had an Empire if there was any such thing as an openly gay Englishman? No, by Thunder! And there never will be!
209 A Poem of Death I say! That's a bit orf - youngsters out that late, getting up to you-know-what with you-know-who in the who-knows-where! We didn't get up to anything like that in MY day! Oh, hang on - wait a minute. Oh yes. We did actually. Rather!
210 Strike One, Strike Two Well, I always suspected that Orniphobe chap was a bit of a rotter anyway. Always shouting at the birds - he was a regular menace in park 17 you know! Be right in the middle of me picnic egg and suddenly he'd charge through, chasing after some bird, throwing bottles - bally oaf!
211 Bazza's Solution Ah - brilliant! I'm sure we can all sleep safer in our beds knowing that those fine fellows are always on duty!
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