The first story of Life with Lamarr, running from the 29th January 2009 to 20th March 2009. It serves to set the scene and introduce the main characters. It follows the story of two men's financial troubles, the bureaucrat after them for their late rent and a couple of insane people all out for revenge on different people for different reasons.


  • Isaac Kleiner - A theoretical physicist and former employee of Black Mesa before it was destroyed by invading aliens and a nuclear bomb. Room-mate to Barney Calhoun.
  • Barney Calhoun - An Irishman with a penchant for alcohol and former security guard at Black Mesa.
  • Lamarr - The titular headcrab, pet of Dr. Kleiner. Having been tamed (and de-beaked) it is incapable of turning a person into a zombie.
  • Wallace Breen - Former administer of Black Mesa, now administer of the entire Earth. Is after Dr. Kleiner due to his late rent payment.
  • Judith Mossman - Fiancée to Dr. Breen, quite absent minded and has a habit of accidental inserting double entendre into serious conversations.
  • Earl Beathan - Once an ordinary citizen, now quite insane after spending eight months trapped with the corpse of his brother-in-law Roderick Thanatos.
  • Roderick Thanatos - Married to Earl's sister, until he died that is, he now spends his time being carried around by Earl.
  • Arne Magnusson - A former scientist at Black Mesa, driven insane by Dr. Kleiner due to his endless good advice and ruining his date with Judith Mossman. Now goes by alias The Headcrab King.
  • Xavier Ben Dibble-Redshirt - Worked for a small detective agency, was later killed with lasers.
  • Mr. Nibbles - A T-Rex clone created by Arne Magnusson, however due to the age of the DNA he suffers from various genetic diseases.
  • Noodles - A headcrab raised by Magnusson himself to serve as his body guard, is green due to a diet of cabbages and lime Jell-o, is also skilled with Katanas.
  • Nancy Longfigger - Dr. Breen's right-hand woman, dreams of removing Judith Mossman from the picture so she can have Breen to herself.
  • Slim Pickles - A recurring gag character, who only ever speaks the same line: "Best Breencast EVER!"
  • Billy Bullsquid - Street musician to the people of City 17, likes to sing protest songs about Dr. Breen.


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Episode One: Hate Cuisine

Released: 29th January 2009 No. #: 1
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 8 panels

The very first episode of Life with Lamarr is a simple gag strip, in which after discovering the cupboards bare, Isaac Kleiner takes Lamarr to a restaurant and asks the waiter if they serve headcrabs. To the dismay of the pair they do, as Father Grigori can be seen tucking into one at the next table.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Welcome to Life with Lamarr, readers! I'm Colonel Cubbage - at your service - to assist you in your reading endeavours by imparting my insight and wisdom. So... what a lot of bally weather we've been having lately, what?


  • Lamarr makes her trademark onomatopoeic 'sqwerk' noise in the very first frame of the first episode.
  • The restaurant is part of a chain called 'The Combine Harvester', a pun name on the 'Harvester' chain.

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Episode Two: Window Pain

Released: 30th January 2009 No. #: 2
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 10 panels

Doctor Kleiner is dismayed to find his living-room windows broken again. Unable to fathom out how it keeps happening, he rouses Barney Calhoun from a hungover snooze on the sofa and berates him for allowing it to happen.

Later that evening, while the window is being replaced, Barney goes out and returns drunk after Kleiner has gone to bed. On spotting Lamarr in the living-room, he gives voice to his jealousy for the place Lamarr holds in Kleiner's heart and kicks her clear through the recently fixed window, suggesting that this is a nightly occurrence. In the final frame Kleiner is seen holding his head in disbelief as he discovered the window broken again.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: I say! Calhoun booted that blighter through the window just as if he was me scoring for my school at rugger! Which I used to do rather a lot, as a matter of fact. Top hole!

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Episode Three: Saucy Headcrab

Released: 2nd February 2009 No. #: 3
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 8 panels

Doctor Breen is seen exiting Kleiner's apartment, having just made another demand for overdue rent. Kleiner promises to pay as soon as he can, but confesses to Barney he has no idea how he'll come by the money and asks his roomate to talk Lamarr for a walk while he figures it out.

During their walk, Barney ponders how he could help Kleiner out and then notices Cubbage selling tickets for what appears to be a girlie revue.

Kleiner, worried by how late it's getting with no sign of Lamarr comes looking for the pair, and his attention is drawn by the sounds of whooping and cheers. On entering the building, he is horrified to discover Lamarr 'pole-dancing' between two ladies in their underwear in a red-lit room. The episode ends with Kleiner nursing Lamarr under one arm dragging Barney out by the collar, with Barney protesting how much money they were making and Kleiner reminding him that "There are limits, Barney - there are limits!"

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Did you spot me in this episode, readers? Right there selling tickets I was! You don't see me again - after that I'm inside getting a nice eyeful of dancing deb! Beats looking at that Roman Ruin my wife Elise calls a face anyday!!

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Episode Four: Potty Time

Released: 4th January 2009 No. #: 4
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 8 panels

Lamarr has relieved herself on the rug, much to Kleiner's disappointment. He decides to teach her to use the toilet, props her up in there and leaves her to it. Meantime, Barney has bloated himself on a massive Chinese takeaway and rushes to use the toilet himself. On throwing open the door, Barney finds Lamarr leaping and screaming in his face, the shock of which makes it 'a little late' to use the facilities when Lamarr has finished.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Poop jokes - and only four episodes in! By Jove, I do believe this could be some kind of webcomic record!

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Episode Five: Expression

Released: 6th February 2009 No. #: 5
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 7 panels

Barney discovers a Lamarr-mauled pigeon on his mattress and complains to Kleiner about it, despite the fact he is roasting the bird for lunch. Kleiner flatly refuses to curb Lamarr's natural behaviour as she is 'expressing' herself. In retaliation, Barney beats an Antlion guard to death with a small pipe and dumps the carcass on Kleiner's bed - thereby expressing himself too.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: That Antlion Guard was a big devil, eh? Pity Calhoun was such a girl he had to use that piece of plastic pipe - Cubbage would have dealt with it man-to-man with his bare fists! Queensbury rules! A left jab, a right hook, uppercut and down the blighter goes!

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Episode Six: Kleiner's Scientific Method

Released: 9th February 2009 No. #: 6
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 8 panels

While Kleiner and Lamarr are enjoying quality time together in the playground, Breen spoils it by demanding his overdue rent. Threatened with eviction, Kleiner immediately dashes to his laboratory, in order to make a scientific breakthrough that will pay the debt. Despite his fine speech to this effect, Barney soon deduces he is just playing solitaire.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Typical egghead. Never to the fore when there's REAL work to be done! Work a man has to do with arms and sinew! Never did like those clever types much!

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Episode Seven: Death's a Beach

Released: 11th February 2009 No. #: 7
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 11 panels

Procrastinating from work as usual, Kleiner persuades Barney to join him and Lamarr on a beach picnic. The peace is disturbed by the sound of a violent argument coming from a house, and on investigation the friends discover there appears to be two men trapped inside. On their release it turns out that one of them has been dead for some time and the other, having been trapped in the fruit cellar with only the corpse for company for eight months has gone completely insane. Seemingly unaware that his companion is long-deceased, the survivor introduces himself as Earl and the corpse as Roderick, who turns out to be the remains of his brother-in-law. Stomach turned by Roderick's advanced state of decay, Kleiner suggests he isn't hungry any more, which is just as well as Barney had left the picnic on the beach and it is now being carried away by Antlions.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Must have been a nasty experience down there, readers! Like sleeping with Elise. Nothing in common, you say? You try it then, what!

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Episode Eight: The Prodigal Corpse

Released: 13th February 2009 No. #: 8
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 13 panels

Kleiner and Barney are attempting to shake off Earl and Roderick, but Earl refuses to leave until they help him bring Roderick back to see his sister Pearl - Roderick's wife. Barney shows Earl the way on the condition that Earl leaves them alone forever afterwards. After dropping Earl off, Barney leaves Pearl's tenement block and we see a loud argument between Earl, Pearl and Tom, Pearl's new husband. Shortly after Roderick is thrown through the window, landing in the street below.

While Earl is consoling the corpse, he lets slip that he and Roderick know the location of a large amount of money. Barney, overhearing, decides to bring them back to Kleiner's apartment so that they can help pay the rent.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: By Jove! Locked in a cellar all that time and when you get out your bally wife is hiding the hog with another man! Enough to send a chap clean orf his nut, what! Still never mind - everyone is going to live happily together now so that's turned out all right! Good show!

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Episode Nine: Barney Helps Out

Released: 16th February 2009 No. #: 9
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 14 panels

Kleiner is rather reluctant to have Earl and Roderick come to stay, but Barney assures him that they could solve their financial difficulty. Kleiner relents, because at that very moment Breen arrives to demand the rent yet again. Barney attempts to broach the subject with Earl, but is told the money actually belongs to Roderick and it's up to Earl's deceased friend how the money is used. Desperate, Barney seizes Roderick and uses him as a puppet with a grisly voice to persuade Earl it's fine.

Earl almost immediately spots what Barney is about and becomes psychotically violent, almost throttling Barney and chasing both he and Kleiner out of their flat, Roderick in tow. Breen, left alone in the flat, having overheard the cases contain cash decides to take what he's owed himself. However, one of the cases is 'ticking', and explodes soon after - destroying Kleiner's flat. The comic ends with Earl vowing revenge upon our fleeing heroes.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Great Scott! The cramped and difficult-to-pose-in apartment blown to smithereens? Who would have thought it! I suppose this means the comic strip is going out on the easy-to-pose-on road! Huzzahs!!

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Episode Ten: Enter Mossman

Released: 18th February 2009 No. #: 10
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 7 panels

Breen having survived the explosion arrives home to find Mossman busy with her melons, much to his annoyance.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: I'm rather partial to a bit of melon myself. Served along with two massive jugs. Of ale!!

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Episode Eleven: Far from the Last Temptation of Barney

Released: 20th February 2009 No. #: 11
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 10 panels

Now homeless, Kleiner and Barney miserably contemplate their fate. Tormented by hunger and guilt, whilst trying to think of a way out of their predicament Barney hallucinates two traditional cartoon good and evil characters - both of whom exhort him to eat Lamarr.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Oh no! Looks like our Barney is being led astray by a cartoon cliche! If only he wasn't so weak-willed - and if only Lamarr didn't so much look like she'd be absolutely delicious roasted, served with cous-cous and drizzled with a mushroom and sherry sauce!!

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Episode Twelve: Lamarr in a Stew

Released: 23rd February 2009 No. #: 12
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 9 panels

Barney pursues Lamarr with the intention of cooking and eating her, but the wily headcrab proves evasive and gives him the slip after leading him into some dark and lonely spots. Believing Lamarr is at his mercy, Barney is now surprised to discover that the headcrab he's found isn't Lamarr - and it isn't alone.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Barney's in a tight spot now! Those bally headcrabs are going to 'hand his butt to him', as our American cousins say. Of course they wouldn't say that if only they'd accepted British rule in the history days. They'd speak the Queen's blimmin' English, by Jove!!

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Episode Thirteen: The Headcrab King

Released: 25th February 2009 No. #: 13
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 14 panels

Barney is dragged deep underground by headcrabs and tied to a post along with fellow prisoner Xavier Ben Dibble-Redshirt. Xavier reveals he was captured while on a mission to uncover some mysterious goings-on that turn out to be the work of none other than Arne Magnusson, the self-styled 'Headcrab King'. Magnusson, seemingly somewhat off his rocker, wearing a golden saucepan on his head and carrying a road sign, is extremely agitated at the mention of Kleiner's name. He appears to hold Kleiner responsible for the loss of his sanity, and claims to have invented a new kind of death-ray which is housed in a soda can. Xavier mocks this briefly before Magnusson disintegrates him with it.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: I say, the ppor chap got disintegrated! That's a bit of a blow - still, it could be worse. He could have had to put up with my old war wound. It aches something awful in wet weather, donchaknow!

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Episode Fourteen: Calhoun the Hors D'oeuvre

Released: 27th February 2009 No. #: 14
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length: 7 panels

Given the choice of death by laser or following the Headcrab King, Barney chooses the later. Magnusson explains to Barney that he is to help feed his pet, only to discover that his pet is a T. Rex named Mister Nibbles and that Barney himself is the food!

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: What a magnificent brute! I say, that would look jolly good above my fireplace! As a member of the British Aristocracy, it is my sworn duty to kill as many animals as possible! Them's the bally rules!

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Episode Fifteen: Deus ex Headcrabima

Released: 2nd March 2009 No. #: 15
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

Barney is rescued by an unlikely aide, but both are confronted by Noodles, Magnusson's combat-trained headcrab.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Hurrah! Saved at the last moment by Lamarr! Wait, what? How the bally hell did that happen? Where did that rope come from? Why on earth - what's that? Hang on - oh. My producer is telling me to put a jolly old sock in it. Better had, I suppose.

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Episode Sixteen: There can be only One

Released: 4th March 2009 No. #: 16
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

An epic battle of good and evil takes place between two headcrabs, and Barney's French ancestry shines through.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: This is what we want! A bit of derring-do, the clash of cold steel as two mighty warriors face each other off in a battle of honour! That's right, cully - honour with a 'U'! Because I speak the Queen's bloomin' English, by Jove!

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Episode Seventeen: Public Relations

Released: 6th March 2009 No. #: 17
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

Dissatisfied with mere Youtube celebrity status, Breen storms out, leaving secretary Miss Longfigger alone with her dreams.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Isn't Miss Longfigger lovely? Oh, I know you people won't think so, all bloody youth of today and what-have-you, but I, for one, would hit that with two crowbars! Shame she loves that Breen chappie. Still, he has done wonders for imports.

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Episode Eighteen: The Unleashing of Mr. Nibbles

Released: 9th March 2009 No. #: 18
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

Our reunited trio's jubilation is short-lived as Magnusson puts his terrible plan into action.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Well - there goes the neighbourhood!

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Episode Nineteen: Edible Administrator

Released: 11th March 2009 No. #: 19
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

Wallace Breen, in his administratorial hubris, attempts to take on Mr. Nibbles and fails deliciously.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: He ate the Administrator! That's a bit off, treating the saviour of humanity like a bloody all-you-can-eat finger buffet! Poor show, that. Bloody poor show.

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Episode Twenty: A Friendly Reunion

Released: 13th March 2009 No. #: 20
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

Wracked with guilt, Kleiner attempts to heal old wounds with an unappreciative Magnusson and fails painfully.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Bally eggheads - I've never liked them. They get together and the next thing you know, the whole Earth's under the dominion of evil aliens from another dimension. That's what your book-learning does for you!

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Episode Twenty-One: Magnusson's Flashback

Released: 16th March 2009 No. #: 21
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

Magnusson regails Earl & Rod with the tale of why he hates Isaac more than they do: Isaac stole Judith Mossman from him.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: I had a flashback once, donchaknow - it took me back to my days in the RAF! Swooping low, machine guns a-blaze, then getting my muffins toasted by some French Floozy smellings of cheap cologne, ah yes! Spiffing! Oh wait - that wasn't a flashback, it was a fantasy. Blast!

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Episode Twenty-Two: Headcrab Regicide

Released: 17th March 2009 No. #: 22
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

Due to genetic defects, Mr Nibbles is defeated by Earl & Rod. Magnusson is stripped of his crown and Barney saves Isaac.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: My word! The man was betrayed by his own headcrab that he'd raised and cared for by his own hand! That's offspring for you - take my daughter Ermintrude. Miserable little so-and-so she is! Me and her mother made every sacrifice, went without just to put shoes on her table and what does she do? Nothing but moan and complain that she isn't a girl, never has been and can we stop buying dresses for her. Ungrateful tart!

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Episode Twenty-Three: A Face on a Screen

Released: 18th March 2009 No. #: 23
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

Despite being zombified, Magnusson's love of Judith's breencasted voice allows our friends to make good their escape.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Saved by the flame-haired Mossman! I must admit, she's a fine filly - one that Cubbage would be all to eager to ride! I'd break her in like the red-haired mustang she - what's that dear? No dear, just dictating my comment for the comic. What? It IS a proper job! Well, I don't see you doing anything to help, all you bally do is hammer my credit card every month! Well why don't you then, you mop-headed strumpet! Go back to your bloody mother for all I care! I never - oh cripes, is this thing still on? [Click]

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Episode Twenty-Four: Book One Epilogue

Released: 20th March 2009 No. #: 24
Created by: Co Fiori-McPhee Length:

Hearing rumours of Breen's delicious death, Billy Bullsquid and his band strike up a folksong about it, albeit prematurely.

Cubbage says

Cubbage says: Nothing like a cheerful tune to lift the spirits! I always like a good song. One about pummeling foreigners or maybe about the Queen - those are my favourites. I wrote one myself once you know - in honour of our lovely Princess Di. Finished it the evening, 30th August 1997. Played it on a loop with speakers pointed out of my window all day, so everyone could hear it. It was called 'Tunnel of Love', and had lines about how I'd love to crush her. In my arms. The crowds outside heard it all right. Barely got away with my bloody life!

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